Marriage is not 50/50. It should always be 100/100. In the beginning, you may not want to and will test your spouse or wait for them to do 100% first and if they don't, you will step back and do less also. Big, huge mistake. True love in marriage is committed to 100%. You give 100% from day 1 and you will be surprised at how grateful they are and will not hesitate to return 100%. When we first realize that we are falling in love, it could be a bit scary at first but with God in your relationship, take a step of faith, one day at time. Imagine how amazing your marriage could be if you both just loved one another and gave your all. Apologizing when you screwed up. Giving your all to your spouses kids as well as your own. It is possible.
I noticed when we first were married 22 years ago, my husband was somewhat hesitant and I could tell. I knew he loved me but there was some holding back at first. I gave him all and was there for him and after a small amount of time he began just giving more and more of himself to our relationship. We both came from a previous marriage that did not end well and beginning a new one could have been more difficult. Just remember to be sure you are both ready to dive in and dedicate everything to one another when you decide to get married.
It's not always easy. Beginning a new marriage with your kids and your spouse and their kids. Moving in together and getting to know one another. Understanding each other, building relationships with all the kids in order to maintain peace and joy in your home. Outside influences are mixed in at a certain level also. It will take time to build a new foundation of trust.
First things first. God and your relationship with HIM is always priority. Then, You and your spouse need to put each other first in your marriage. Support each other. Then the kids come next, whether they are yours or your spouses. In this order, you will both know instinctively how important all the kids are because they are your spouses kids and yours, period. Meaning, you love God who brought you together and wants you to love your spouse. You love your spouse so you naturally want to love and care for their kids in the best way you know how.
Take one day at a time. Be patient with each other and the kids. Pray together often. Trust God to bring you through the tough times and the enjoy the good days.
There are 4 important foundations necessary to your success as a blended family. First is your relationship with your creator. Our love for Jesus Christ and following Him gives us strength and patience, forgiveness and love for others especially our own family. Next, your relationship with your spouse and how you work together in your new marriage is going to get you through difficult times. Your commitment to each other and to raising all the kids as a new family is important. When you both decided to get married, you knew it would be blended because of the fact you both had kids from a previous relationship. Hopefully, you both truly love each other and are willing to make your new marriage and family successful and blessed.
The second pillar is building unification and trust in your newly blended family. Creating new traditions like church attendance and prayer together, loving support, regular specific time together as a family and open communication when needed. The kids will need to get to know you and each other in the home. You will need to learn how to relate to each child and work together as husband and wife with discipline and understanding especially in the beginning.
Third, learning how to co-parent with your Ex. This is huge and is usually the biggest issue in the blended family. You do not want to allow outside influences to get between you and your spouses relationship. Respect and honor are necessary with the biological parents who are not in the home. Responding to them peacefully, even if they are not nice to you. Remember, they may not be on the same page as you and you can not control their behavior. Only yours. So, keeping the peace for the kids sake and the peace of your home is important.
Fourth, understand your boundaries as a step parent. As a step parent you are NOT THE parent but a loving adult who cares about your step kids as IF they were your own. We must allow our spouse to co parent with their Ex without too much interference. A major problem that I have seen over the years is when the Moms sometimes compete with who is the boss because as a step mom you are now married to a man who you believe should be pleasing you and not the Ex. But when it comes to the kids, he should be trying to co parent, not to please you or the EX, But to make sure the kids understand they are loved and parented by both of their biological parents.
I love pulling weeds out of my garden. I can actually pull weeds all day, if needed! When I pull the weeds, I make sure to pull out the roots as best as possible. Why? Because the weeds will grow back again and again. When a doctor diagnoses your illness, most times they will prescribe you a drug that treats the symptoms and not something to get rid of the actual problem. So, we continue to have the illness but the doctor will keep you as comfortable as possible by downsizing the symptoms for your illness.
If we were to do our own research and due diligence, we may actually find that if we change our diet to a healthier group of foods with specific vitamins and minerals, we may be able to remove the actual illness. That is why I needed to write this today. When it comes to spiritual issues in our lives, it's important to reflect on what actually is the problem and not just the symptoms. For example, you may be depressed and have anxiety. Most of us may turn to a temporary fix like an alcoholic drink once in a while to relax us and help numb some emotional pain. Maybe even eat more food. We may turn to anything else but trying to understand why we feel/act the way we do.
What I love about our Heavenly Father is He is always there for us even when we don't want to see Him or look to Him for wisdom or comfort. He will never force us to do anything. He wants us to want to draw near to Him, honor and trust Him on our own. He desires that we run to Him when we need help and when we need anything. Think about it....He is our source for all things in our life. Even the physical things. Everything. If we try to fix our emotional struggles strictly via a drug, an activity, relationships or anything besides Him, we will not be totally better. To be clear, God can use activities and relationships and people to heal you. Relying on those things only and not God is the issue. If we allow God to heal our thoughts, our motivations and downfalls, and we understand why we are acting a certain way, we can be fully changed for the good.
Ask God to help you understand whatever your issue is and Why it is present in your life. Ask God to forgive you if you do see that your actions were not good due to anger or pride. Ask God what is the root of your issue and He will show you if you truly want to know. He is willing and able to remove the root of the problem so you can move on in victory with your life.
This is a difficult story to write but it needs to be shared. My husband Eric and I have 6 adult kids between us from our previous marriages. Their ages are from 27 to 38 years old. Three out of the six kids are estranged for different reasons. Those 3 are mine.
My youngest daughter was the first to walk away, over 10 years ago when she and her husband decided to get married without us even knowing when or where it would be. That decision was absolutely all her husbands ruling. He is very controlling. She did tell us they were getting married at first and we actually went to a bridal salon near us with my other 2 daughters one day for her to pick out a wedding dress. It was quite an emotional day for all of us, but they did not know when or where they were going to get married at that time but thought it would be in a few months. Then sometime after that, I found out from another family member that she did actually get married. I called her husband directly to ask what was going on and when they actually were married. He said to me, "It's not your business." That was the beginning. He was never involved with our family or wanted to visit. She came to see us 2 or 3 times over 10 years. Then, in 2020 I encouraged her and her husband to come visit us. They live in Texas and we were in Florida. I offered to pay for his airline ticket and eventually, he agreed to come with her to visit us for about a week.
All was good for the first day. The next day we had a family get together at our home and my sister in law asked him what he thought about BLM. The summer of riots was currently happening. Things heated up with my son in law and my brother for a while. My husband asked them to stop multiple times but they didn't listen. Eventually my brother and his wife decided to leave and the conversation continued with my son in law outside toward me and my husband. We spoke for a few minutes and things heated up again. Her husband called me some nasty names. My husband reacted by telling them to leave and go back to my other daughters house where they were visiting. I cried my eyes out having to do that but he was so disrespectful. I'm grateful to my husband who protected me and did not allow my son in law to continue his disrespect in our home. It was not my daughter who was disrespectful. It was always him, but ever since then she refuses to speak to me and has blocked me from calling her. She just gave birth to our youngest grandchild 9 months ago and I have not met her yet. I may not ever meet her at this point.
My other daughter has estranged herself from me on and off since she got married about 4 years ago. No matter what I do or not do, it is not acceptable to her and she doesn't like the fact that I pray for her or that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ. She wrote a beautiful book in high school when she was a believer. Her husband is amazing and I have a beautiful grand daughter from them now. I've tried so hard to understand why she doesn't like me and want to make things right but there is nothing I can do other than continue praying that God would heal our relationship. I love her and have always been there for her over the course of her life.
Then there is my son who I am so very proud of who has recently stopped communicating with us also. We had a huge disagreement about 6 months ago and my heart is so heavy with how things turned out that night. I believe it was more of a misunderstanding between us that turned into a bad evening. The one thing that kept me hopeful before this incident occurred, was that I knew I still had a good relationship with my son. Obviously, not as good as I thought. I believe that this generation has been so indoctrinated by TikTok and other internet platforms that they actually believe there is no need to honor their parents. We as parents are apparently narcissists, according to so many of our adult kids. No, most of us are not. When God commands us to honor our parents, it's not because we are "know it all's" or that we are to be worshipped. God wants us to honor our parents as we would honor Him. If we can not or choose not to honor our parents, we will not be able to honor our God. It's just the way he created us to be.
Forgiveness is so important here. We know that sometimes in rare situations there are some evil parents who may have done the unthinkable to their kids. In that case, we are to forgive our parents but not necessarily stay in their lives unless there is a complete repentance and turn around of that parent who hurt you so badly. I'm not speaking of those cases. Forgiveness toward those who hurt us is really for our own good. Also because we all need forgiveness for our own actions during our lives. If we can't forgive, why should we expect God to forgive us? He wants us to be like Him. Loving, forgiving, humble, peaceful and caring. He says we need to love our neighbor as ourselves. If you love God, you will seek to do what He desires. What He desires is going to bring peace to our own lives.
if you are currently in an estranged situation with one of your adult kids, continue to to pray for them and love on them.
