Marriage is not 50/50. It should always be 100/100. In the beginning, you may not want to and will test your spouse or wait for them to do 100% first and if they don't, you will step back and do less also. Big, huge mistake. True love in marriage is committed to 100%. You give 100% from day 1 and you will be surprised at how grateful they are and will not hesitate to return 100%. When we first realize that we are falling in love, it could be a bit scary at first but with God in your relationship, take a step of faith, one day at time. Imagine how amazing your marriage could be if you both just loved one another and gave your all. Apologizing when you screwed up. Giving your all to your spouses kids as well as your own. It is possible.
I noticed when we first were married 22 years ago, my husband was somewhat hesitant and I could tell. I knew he loved me but there was some holding back at first. I gave him all and was there for him and after a small amount of time he began just giving more and more of himself to our relationship. We both came from a previous marriage that did not end well and beginning a new one could have been more difficult. Just remember to be sure you are both ready to dive in and dedicate everything to one another when you decide to get married.
It's not always easy. Beginning a new marriage with your kids and your spouse and their kids. Moving in together and getting to know one another. Understanding each other, building relationships with all the kids in order to maintain peace and joy in your home. Outside influences are mixed in at a certain level also. It will take time to build a new foundation of trust.
First things first. God and your relationship with HIM is always priority. Then, You and your spouse need to put each other first in your marriage. Support each other. Then the kids come next, whether they are yours or your spouses. In this order, you will both know instinctively how important all the kids are because they are your spouses kids and yours, period. Meaning, you love God who brought you together and wants you to love your spouse. You love your spouse so you naturally want to love and care for their kids in the best way you know how.
Take one day at a time. Be patient with each other and the kids. Pray together often. Trust God to bring you through the tough times and the enjoy the good days.
There are 4 important foundations necessary to your success as a blended family. First is your relationship with your creator. Our love for Jesus Christ and following Him gives us strength and patience, forgiveness and love for others especially our own family. Next, your relationship with your spouse and how you work together in your new marriage is going to get you through difficult times. Your commitment to each other and to raising all the kids as a new family is important. When you both decided to get married, you knew it would be blended because of the fact you both had kids from a previous relationship. Hopefully, you both truly love each other and are willing to make your new marriage and family successful and blessed.
The second pillar is building unification and trust in your newly blended family. Creating new traditions like church attendance and prayer together, loving support, regular specific time together as a family and open communication when needed. The kids will need to get to know you and each other in the home. You will need to learn how to relate to each child and work together as husband and wife with discipline and understanding especially in the beginning.
Third, learning how to co-parent with your Ex. This is huge and is usually the biggest issue in the blended family. You do not want to allow outside influences to get between you and your spouses relationship. Respect and honor are necessary with the biological parents who are not in the home. Responding to them peacefully, even if they are not nice to you. Remember, they may not be on the same page as you and you can not control their behavior. Only yours. So, keeping the peace for the kids sake and the peace of your home is important.
Fourth, understand your boundaries as a step parent. As a step parent you are NOT THE parent but a loving adult who cares about your step kids as IF they were your own. We must allow our spouse to co parent with their Ex without too much interference. A major problem that I have seen over the years is when the Moms sometimes compete with who is the boss because as a step mom you are now married to a man who you believe should be pleasing you and not the Ex. But when it comes to the kids, he should be trying to co parent, not to please you or the EX, But to make sure the kids understand they are loved and parented by both of their biological parents.
