God is our heavenly Father and He created us. If we choose not to respect and honor our parents, we will not respect and honor God, our heavenly Father. When God says we are to honor our parents, He never says to honor parents only if they are good or perfect. Obviously, no parent is perfect. That is the point. We honor our parents because they gave us life but not because we agree with everything they have done. I choose to love and honor my parents even when I do not agree with many things they do.
Even though I have honored and respected my parents my entire life, as I was taught to, recently, I have seen my own adult kids not respect or honor me. After much pain and enduring of this over the past 10 years or so, God showed me that if I do not honor HIM in my choices, my kids would find it hard to honor me. They have known me as a believer their entire lives. Over the past 10 years or so, I have literally begun a struggle with alcohol. Just wine, but wine is bad enough. Nobody ever starts drinking and plans to become an alcoholic.
One day, on my 50th birthday, my husband took me out to dinner. I drank 3 chocolate martinis and I literally was knocked out in the car on the way home. By 7pm when we returned I went straight to bed and did not wake up until the next morning.
When I woke up, I was so mad at myself! That was the beginning of my problem. It took me about 5 years to really admit I even had a problem after that evening.. After all, I was just drinking wine right? Wrong! Boy was I wrong. Then I had some serious issues with my daughter and it broke my heart to the core. The pain was so bad. I began using the wine to temporarily numb my excruciating pain.
In March of 2023, I began my journey of quitting wine drinking. I was good for almost 3 months and then gave in. 2 months later, I stopped again. Pain came around and all I wanted to do was numb it all. I repented so many times and begged God to give me the strength to walk away for good. I knew I needed His help.
After about 7 attempts, I am finally free. Do you know why? Because I know now that I need to honor my Heavenly Father. It does not look good when a believer gets drunk and falls asleep at 7pm on the couch nightly. My son saw me do this alot while he lived with us. He also saw me weeping for and praying for my relationship with my other kids and grandkids. But, the drinking was not honorable, and It truly humbled me being so weak and not a good example for my kids. After looking at it from that perspective, I was delivered because I chose to be the best of what God is calling me to be. I will now run to God when I feel pain. No more running to wine to numb me temporarily. It’s a total lie from the devil who wants us to believe that God does not care and that we will never stop. Not True and No More! God is faithful.
Recently, my husband and I visited a nice church and met a guy in his 60's. He mentioned how his mother had recently passed away and on her death bed, she told him who his real father was. It was not the man who raised him. Or was it? Biologically speaking, no it is not. But, a man that raises another women's child can be just as good of a father, if not better, than the biological father. Every situation is different but I have personally seen great step Dad's in my family including my own husband... I digress....So, his step father was not his father. I was shocked to hear that he would find out at such a late time in his life. How can a parent keep that secret for so many years? He said he was not expecting to hear that but he did come to terms with it. After all, his mom was gone and he has lived a good life up to that moment. Yes, he was not too happy about it but he was moving on with his life and did not hold anything against his mother.
What if he learned about it in his early 20's? Maybe he would have taken it very differently. Was his "real" dad a bad person and that is why his mother did not tell him? We didn't get that far in the conversation but maybe she was trying to protect him. Maybe she didn't like his dad. Who knows.
In my opinion, I believe that every single child should know who their biological parent is. Period. Preferably when they are old enough to understand the difference. If the child knows that the step parent is not their biological parent and yet they are loved by that step parent, that is all that matters. I give the step parent who loves their step child as their own much credit for their commitment and devotion to the family they chose to be with for life. Not an easy task yet there are many men and women out there who deserve more credit then they will ever receive. God bless you if you are one of them!
I've seen in my own family how my kids were not treated well by their stepmother when they were younger. Still to this day, her children are more important in every way and she has fully trained her husband, my ex, to follow her wishes. Sad but true.
Please, do not decide to marry someone with kids from a previous relationship, unless you are 100% committed to their children as part of your family even if they never live with you. Especially if they are younger. If they are adults now, you will need to respect and learn to love them just because they are your spouses kids and do for them as you would your own adults kids.
Marriage is not 50/50. It should always be 100/100. In the beginning, you may not want to and will test your spouse or wait for them to do 100% first and if they don't, you will step back and do less also. Big, huge mistake. True love in marriage is committed to 100%. You give 100% from day 1 and you will be surprised at how grateful they are and will not hesitate to return 100%. When we first realize that we are falling in love, it could be a bit scary at first but with God in your relationship, take a step of faith, one day at time. Imagine how amazing your marriage could be if you both just loved one another and gave your all. Apologizing when you screwed up. Giving your all to your spouses kids as well as your own. It is possible.
I noticed when we first were married 22 years ago, my husband was somewhat hesitant and I could tell. I knew he loved me but there was some holding back at first. I gave him all and was there for him and after a small amount of time he began just giving more and more of himself to our relationship. We both came from a previous marriage that did not end well and beginning a new one could have been more difficult. Just remember to be sure you are both ready to dive in and dedicate everything to one another when you decide to get married.
It's not always easy. Beginning a new marriage with your kids and your spouse and their kids. Moving in together and getting to know one another. Understanding each other, building relationships with all the kids in order to maintain peace and joy in your home. Outside influences are mixed in at a certain level also. It will take time to build a new foundation of trust.
First things first. God and your relationship with HIM is always priority. Then, You and your spouse need to put each other first in your marriage. Support each other. Then the kids come next, whether they are yours or your spouses. In this order, you will both know instinctively how important all the kids are because they are your spouses kids and yours, period. Meaning, you love God who brought you together and wants you to love your spouse. You love your spouse so you naturally want to love and care for their kids in the best way you know how.
Take one day at a time. Be patient with each other and the kids. Pray together often. Trust God to bring you through the tough times and the enjoy the good days.
There are 4 important foundations necessary to your success as a blended family. First is your relationship with your creator. Our love for Jesus Christ and following Him gives us strength and patience, forgiveness and love for others especially our own family. Next, your relationship with your spouse and how you work together in your new marriage is going to get you through difficult times. Your commitment to each other and to raising all the kids as a new family is important. When you both decided to get married, you knew it would be blended because of the fact you both had kids from a previous relationship. Hopefully, you both truly love each other and are willing to make your new marriage and family successful and blessed.
The second pillar is building unification and trust in your newly blended family. Creating new traditions like church attendance and prayer together, loving support, regular specific time together as a family and open communication when needed. The kids will need to get to know you and each other in the home. You will need to learn how to relate to each child and work together as husband and wife with discipline and understanding especially in the beginning.
Third, learning how to co-parent with your Ex. This is huge and is usually the biggest issue in the blended family. You do not want to allow outside influences to get between you and your spouses relationship. Respect and honor are necessary with the biological parents who are not in the home. Responding to them peacefully, even if they are not nice to you. Remember, they may not be on the same page as you and you can not control their behavior. Only yours. So, keeping the peace for the kids sake and the peace of your home is important.
Fourth, understand your boundaries as a step parent. As a step parent you are NOT THE parent but a loving adult who cares about your step kids as IF they were your own. We must allow our spouse to co parent with their Ex without too much interference. A major problem that I have seen over the years is when the Moms sometimes compete with who is the boss because as a step mom you are now married to a man who you believe should be pleasing you and not the Ex. But when it comes to the kids, he should be trying to co parent, not to please you or the EX, But to make sure the kids understand they are loved and parented by both of their biological parents.
